Sleep Divorce 101: Sleeping Solo for a Happier, Healthier Relationship
By: Kelly Murray, Certified Adult Sleep Coach, FDN-P
A few years ago, I found myself contemplating a “divorce” due to my husband's thunderous snoring. However, this wasn't a typical marital divorce—it was a sleep divorce. Surprisingly, this decision brought about a remarkable transformation, enhancing our relationship in ways we never expected.
So flashback to a few years ago, every night, like clockwork, my husband's deafening snoring would jolt me awake around 3:00 a.m. It felt as if a freight train was rumbling through our bedroom. Despite my efforts to nudge, kick, or even playfully tug at his beard, he remained blissfully unaware in his sound slumber.
He left me no choice but to ask for a sleep divorce. And you know what? It actually probably saved our marriage.
And as it goes without saying, I am exaggerating folks. We were not on the verge of getting an actual divorce. It was simply a necessary step to preserve our sanity and protect our sleep. As a sleep coach who deeply values rest, I feared that my interrupted nights would trigger a cascade of sleep issues, reigniting my former battles with insomnia.
Fortunately, I am happy to report that our sleep divorce has not only spared my husband from a morning throat punch but has also rekindled our marital bliss. Admittedly, I may have embellished the tale for dramatic effect—there was no imminent risk of an actual divorce. However, the reality remains that his snoring disrupted my sleep, which inevitably took its toll on our relationship. My irritability soared, and the potential consequences loomed large.
As indicated by a recent survey, 30% of Americans contemplate a sleep divorce.
I want to discuss the reasons why sharing a bed can negatively impact your sleep, signs that may warrant a sleep divorce, and effective strategies for implementing new sleeping arrangements tailored to your needs.
Unraveling the Secrets of Snoozing with a Partner
Sleeping with a partner can be so disruptive. In my sleep sanctuary video, I discuss the importance of a dark, cool, and quiet sleep environment. Humans are innately sensitive to any changes in their surroundings while asleep—a built-in protective mechanism from our primitive days. Think back to the caveman days, it was probably pretty dangerous for us to be sleeping outside.
So as a result, when we're in between sleep cycles, we have little tiny wake-ups. And it is hypothesized that the reason why we have these brief wake-ups is to do an environmental scan to make sure that our environment matches what it did at bedtime. Additionally, during the initial stages of non-REM sleep, our brains remain mildly active, making us receptive to external stimuli. So,, if your partner snores like mine, arrives in bed after you, indulges in midnight snacks, tosses and turns, battles restless leg syndrome, or experiences bouts of insomnia, you are going to be sensitive to those changes.
While some people can easily elbow their partners and return to slumber, those of us who struggle to fall asleep in the first place face a harder task. This process can rob us of valuable sleep minutes.
Research shows that adults need seven to nine hours of nightly rest. As sleep occurs in cycles, being awakened in the middle of the night initiates a new cycle, hindering the completion of each stage's purpose.
We're going from light sleep to deep sleep. And every cycle has its own purpose. The compromised sleep negatively impacts our mood, productivity, and can contribute to severe long-term health conditions such as,
dementia
cardiovascular disease
diabetes
obesity
If you struggle to get enough high-quality sleep, I don't need to tell you how cranky you are the day after a bad night. That is because as humans, it's not natural for us to be sleep deprived. Our nervous system views this as a stressor. Our nervous system thinks that there's a threat, so it goes into sympathetic mode, also known as fight or flight. As a result, our amygdala, which is the portion of the brain that regulates the fear response, goes into overdrive so that any little tiny stressor is then perceived as a big deal and we have a strong reaction.
And as it goes without saying, if your partner is partially to blame for your sleepless night, you're going to start to feel resentful. Furthermore, there's research out of the University of Michigan that shows that couples report fighting more after a bad night's sleep and that they were less likely to resolve a conflict when they didn't have enough sleep.
Navigating the Bed Divorce Conversation with Confidence
I know it can be really scary to have this conversation with your partner because in our society we view sleeping in separate beds or separate rooms as a sign that there's something wrong with the relationship. It makes sense that you are going to be worried that your partner is going to view your request as a sign that you're unsatisfied. So I am here to provide some advice on broaching the conversation as well as how to successfully carry out a bed divorce so you can maintain a strong healthy bond and keep a spark in the relationship.
STEP 1 :
So the first step is you want to sit down with your partner and have an honest, open, and respectful conversation about your wishes. Now I'm not a relationship expert, however, whenever I'm approaching a more difficult conversation with my husband, I like to use what I call it the "sandwich technique," and it's as simple as it sounds—start with a positive, slip in the tricky part, and end on a positive note. Voila, you've got yourself a sandwiched conversation!
So for example, what I would say in this situation is I would start out by explaining why I love sleeping with him, that I like the closeness, I love to cuddle, I like the fact that he's near, it makes me feel secure, etc. Then, gently reveal the not-so-great news that your sleep has been disrupted by some serious snoring at 3 a.m. It's no fun waking up cranky and struggling to keep your cool with the kids and everyone else. That's when you drop the idea of trying out separate rooms for a while.
Quick tip: When tackling the tricky part, keep the focus on "we" and "I" rather than using the dreaded "you." And remember, let's skip the term "bed divorce." It has a gloomy ring to it that we want to avoid.
STEP 2 :
Now, here comes the exciting part. We propose a trial run! You don't have to make a permanent decision right off the bat. Give it a whirl for a couple of nights, maybe weekdays only, and reunite in dreamland on the weekends. It's an experiment that will give you valuable data to make a more informed choice. Who knows? Your partner might discover they sleep better too! Surprising, but true—research shows that couples often sleep sounder when they're apart, even if they report feeling cozier together.
STEP 3 :
But hold on, there's another vital ingredient in this sleep divorce recipe. Make sure to carve out daily time to connect with your partner. It could be a cozy cuddle session on the couch before bedtime or a coffee chat in the morning. These intentional moments of togetherness will keep the flame alive and maintain that special bond.
So I hope that this blog has made you realize that a bed divorce doesn't have to be such a scary thing. In fact, it can really do wonders for your relationship. If you decide to give a bed divorce a try, I would love to hear from you.
Let me know what you discovered, if you found that you're sleeping better and if it improved your relationship like it did mine. I'm here to cheer you on and celebrate your sleep divorce journey!
If you would like to learn more about working with me on your functional health so that you can get the sleep you need and deserve in order to feel and be your best, please schedule a free 30-minute discovery call with me here to learn more→
Sweet Dreams
Kelly Murray is a certified adult sleep coach and an award-winning pediatric sleep consultant based in Chicago offering sleep coaching services nationwide.